I've found that I experience MULTIPLE different emotions on an hourly basis since becoming a mom (It's still hard to believe that I am a MOM?!?). I was warned of the emotional roller coaster that would ensue after giving birth, but not that it would last 5 months into it! I've learned there are a LOT of things no one tells you. So I've decided to journal this little new found "personality disorder" so moms after me know what's coming.
Here are the emotions/feelings I experience daily, hourly, and sometimes within minutes...
Fear: From the moment I saw those two pink lines, my insides took a dive. Fear trumped all other emotions, especially after my recent loss. Since that day I've continued to fear the unknown, but I can honestly say that all other emotions trump that fear now.
Uncertainty: Was this real? Would it turn out like the last time? Would everything be ok? Would I really be a MOM? Would I be a good mom? I questioned everything. everyday. I still do.
Strength: Among the fear and uncertainty, I found an emotional strength I didn't know I had. During the delivery (and faulty epidural), I found a physical strength I hoped I had. And as a mom, I've found a daily strength to hold onto.
Weakness: With the strength comes weakness. Weakness in the first trimester as I did my best to keep down what little food I could stomach so she could grow. Weakness when I heard her first cry and every one thereafter. Weakness from lack of sleep and very little food because I chose to hold her close and watch her sleep instead of worry about myself. And weakness in falling for that big sweet grin and those alligator tears.. every time!
Joy: As a mom, I've found joy in.every.moment. From the sound of her heartbeat at the first ultrasound, to the huge smile she gives me when she wakes up in the morning. I find so much joy in watching this little soul grow from a spec on a monitor to a beautiful baby girl.
Excitement: Everything is exciting when you get to experience the world through a baby's eyes.
Exhaustion: Let's be honest... carrying a baby, delivering a baby and raising a baby is exhausting!! Yet, somehow I find the energy... and just when I don't think I have it, I look at those big blue eyes and all is restored! Who needs coffee when you have a baby?!?.... that's how they did it in the stone ages ladies and gents!
Love: I never thought I could find so much love in such a tiny human. Her love for us is undeniable and unbelievable. My heart has quadrupled in size and only continues to grow since having her. I love her so much it hurts....
Pain: The love. The kicking (ribs, bladder, uterus, and now face). The love. The birth. The scratching (those fingernails are sharp!), The love. The pulling of hair. The nursing. The love.
Understanding: I have to apologize to my mom for anything I ever did... I get it now.. ALL of it.
Gratitude: I am so thankful for so much in my life, but most of all that He picked ME to be HER mom.
No comments:
Post a Comment