Breaking the Mold

Miscarriage. You know about it, but you rarely hear about it. It’s such a taboo subject, yet you don’t realize just how taboo until you go through one yourself. It seems wrong to give such a negative connotation to such a common occurrence. About one in four pregnancies are lost within the first few months. Some experts believe that this number may be as high as one in two pregnancies. Many women miscarry before they ever know they are pregnant. (http://attainfertility.com/article/fertility-after-miscarriage). That’s 25-50%, not a small number. While I understand the many reasons why it has become taboo, I feel compelled to let others know that you shouldn’t feel ashamed, scared or uncomfortable talking about it no matter which side you’re on.  This is the reason I’m writing. Not sympathy, but understanding and awareness.

Having a miscarriage is a horrible, horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I lost my first child (here's our story). I was only 7 weeks along, so it seems like the blow should be less. It wasn’t. It was hard, yet I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone. Who could I turn to? My husband and family were there for me, but so far away. I wanted to talk about it, but I didn’t. How would I begin talking about it? No one even knew I was pregnant.

No one talks about their struggles getting pregnant or miscarrying. For some it’s because it’s a very personal matter and they don’t want anyone to know. But for many, it’s all you think about. It consumes you. Deep inside you beg someone to bring it up, to talk to you about it. As someone who has experienced some of this, I know this feeling. You so desperately want it to not be taboo. You want to be able to talk about it freely and not feel embarrassed or ashamed. It’s therapeutic to discuss it, to realize just how common it is and that you’re not alone or that different from most other women. We shouldn’t have to discover through google just how common pregnancy struggles and miscarriages are. We should feel comfortable talking about it. We should feel comfortable consoling others who have been through it.

I encountered many faces as I went through my miscarriage. Nurses, doctors, techs, strangers, friends, and family. Some knew how to respond, others didn’t. Why? Because it’s taboo. No one talks about it, so no one knows how to talk about it. 

 When I was in the ER I came across both sides of this. The doctor caring for me was not afraid to say the word miscarriage. He was a he. He had never had a miscarriage and had no clue what I was going through, but he allowed me to feel comfortable in my feelings. To grieve. He acknowledged how I felt and was there for me. That meant the world to me, especially since I was alone. The nurse and the ultrasound tech were just the opposite. They were obviously uncomfortable around me. They didn’t know what to say or how to interact. Instead they made very shallow comments or just ignored me all together. This was the hardest part of all. I didn’t want (or expect) sympathy or someone to cry with me. I just wanted to not feel like an alien. As a nurse, I feel it is so important to treat patients as a person, not a disease (or in my case, a miscarriage). Just sitting with your patient/friend/family, listening to them, validating their feelings can go such a long way. And you don’t even have to say a word.

This is where it all started. Why do we not tell people when we have struggles? Especially people we love. Why do we hide miscarriages? Why do we keep things bottled up inside, put on a happy face and go on like nothing ever happened? Because that is the norm. It’s taboo. People don’t talk about it, so people don’t know how to talk about it. How does this help anyone? It doesn’t.

After my miscarriage, I wanted to know more, I wanted to learn more. That’s just me. I started researching. I came across thousands of message boards with women asking questions, talking with strangers, reaching out to anybody for support. Why? Because who else were they going to talk to? Surely there was no one else in their lives who had had a similar experience or who would understand?

Not true.

I knew of a few friends and family members who had gone through a miscarriage before I went through mine. After I started talking about it, I learned just how true the statistics were. EVERYONE I talked to had either had a miscarriage (or multiple) themselves, or knew someone close to them who had. They never talked about it. Instead, they kept it bottled up inside until someone, anyone, shared the commonality. You hear all the time about the easy conceptions, pregnancies and births. That’s easy to talk about. Why can’t we feel safe talking about the struggles? Why do we have to feel alone? Like we’re the only ones in the universe going through this.

We don’t.

For those women who have (or one day may) go through infertility issues or a miscarriage, don’t be afraid. Don’t be ashamed. You’re not alone. For those of you who know someone who has gone through something like this, don’t ignore them. If you care about them, acknowledge their grief. You don’t have to have the “right” words, just being there is all they need. BREAK THE MOLD. Let other women know that it doesn’t have to be taboo.