The last few weeks have been a whirlwind..... of emotions, schedules, good news, bad news... It doesn't end. They say bad things come in 3's, I'm not sure how many more "triplets" I can take. But things are finally looking up.
They don't warn you that after a miscarriage your hormones are almost as out of whack as they are after you give birth. Over the course of a week, I went from shock to sadness to frustration to denial to depression to JUST PLAIN PISSED.... Sometimes all those emotions at once. Three weeks later and I still find myself questioning the reality of what happened. Did that really happen to us? Will it happen again? Will we ever have a baby of our own? WHY!?...are the questions that pop in my head on the hour.
I find myself sitting on the beach of Hanalei Bay in Kauai (YEP!) and I still cant find contentment. Don't get me wrong... I realize how absolutely blessed we are to have the opportunity to spend a week here and I'm enjoying every minute I get to spend with my love, but my thoughts haunt me. Here, I have nothing but time to think. To the left of us sits a young couple much like ourselves, and to the right is another couple with a baby (maybe 6 months old and the mom looks DAMN good!). Both seem very happy, but I can't help but envy the life of the couple to our right and scoff at those to our left. I used to treasure the lack of responsibility we once had, and now I long for it (responsibility that is). We're ready, why wasn't He?
Part of me is thankful for the "whirlwind" this last few weeks... It has given me time to focus on other things and forget about our tragedy. Then again, I don't want to forget. I want to move on, but I can't. We moved two houses across three states, "sold" our house in Texas and then lost the buyer last minute thanks to a doof for a loan officer (so now we're paying a mortgage and rent), I left my job, and the government has its head up its ass! Great news for a now single income military family. As bad as it all seems, we can see the rainbow through the rain clouds. We know it will all "work out in the end" and one day we'll "laugh at all the craziness"... I just want it to be that day... That's both the optimism and impatience in me...
So here we are in Hawaii living the life, dreaming of a different one. Trying to get perspective and gain understanding. I'm thankful for this break from reality and opportunity to BE with my husband and understand just where we are emotionally. When the miscarriage occurred, we were 600 miles apart and finishing up important jobs. I was finishing my last semester of teaching and he was completing another chapter of pilot training. We both knew how upset we were when the miscarriage happened, but we didn't discuss our emotions at the time. We still haven't. I had to be strong for him so he could finish his last week of training and GET HOME! He had to be strong for me because that's what husbands do. Since then, we've been so busy we just haven't had the time (or strength) to really get into it. We met with our new ObGyn when we got to Tucson. My husband came with me, but as soon as we sat down in the waiting room, I wished he hadn't come. I knew I couldn't be strong for him anymore. The thought of even mentioning what had happened (knowing I'd have to recount our experience at least 2 more times to the doc and nurse) was unimaginable . I knew I'd lose it.... I was losing it just thinking about it. I was afraid he'd lose it too... He almost did a few days before. I forget what I said but his voice cracked in response and that's when I knew just how important it was to talk. He had been just as shattered by this experience as I was.
We met our new ObGyn. She was fantastic! She calmed our fears and gave us renewed hope. I felt at peace with our situation for the first time. It was kind of like eating a giant banana split... We both felt great about it at the time, but within an hour we were doubting our judgement. Of course she was going to be positive and optimistic on our behalf, but we all knew there was no guarantee that everything would be okay. We remain hopeful, but there's still that question in the back of our mind.
I've heard from so many people since my first posts... friends, family, strangers.... Most of them (many of them) who had been through a similar situation. Some had one miscarriage and went on to have healthy babies immediately, others had multiple before getting their miracle. The responses validated the truth. The truth of just how common this is, yet no one talks about it. Of the family and friends who responded, I had no idea what they had been through and it broke my heart. I wished I could have been there for them like they've done for me. I just hope my voice speaks for others.
The optimism in me is fading. I hate it, it's not me. But I have to be realistic. I have to prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Having one miscarriage doesn't mean that we'll have another, but it does raise our chances (only slightly, but it does). I try to think about the stories I hear about one miscarriage leading to healthy pregnancies, but I can't help but consider the opposite.
Things are getting better... One thing at a time. I will continue to be patient, optimistic, realistic, and hopeful. I will cherish this time with my husband, and take the opportunity to understand his feelings. To understand just how this has affected us both. I will continue looking up.
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